After a mild winter, Mother Nature decided to make up for lost time by hitting Boston with a mix of rain and snow last week just as the baseball season began. It was supposed to come and go before the end of March! After all, soggy fields, wet seats, and cold wind don’t make for a fun day at the ballpark. So I thought of a great idea as I brushed snow off my car last Monday. The Red Sox should build a Fenway Park dome. Think about it. A Fenway Park dome would mean never having to worry about a rain out ever again!
Now I know some purists are going to scream for my head on a platter for even daring to suggest such an idea but hear me out. Fenway Park could retain its historical look by installing a glass dome instead of the more stable and durable ones used today. Glass would definitely add to the old time feel of the ballpark while allowing fans to feel like they’re still outside. With a Fenway Park dome, the Red Sox could sell more advertising, too. For example, Windex could sponsor a Spring Cleaning Day where fans receive Red Sox-themed towels and mini spray bottles at the turnstiles to help wipe down the dome every few weeks. The team could also have races to see which player can shimmy up to the top first. My money would be on Mookie Betts given his speed in the outfield. Clay Buccholz will probably be hurt so he probably wouldn’t race. And Pablo Sandoval might want to think about sitting the race out altogether. No sense in making him get off the bench for anything. The Yawkey Way Store could sell window-climbing suction cups to make it easier for fans and players to climb up the Fenway Park dome and wipe it down. Suction cups are important. After all, we don’t want fans flying off the roof and leaving streaks! Can you imagine a fan flopping down the side of the dome screaming for dear life before hitting the pavement on Yawkey Way? That would be one more mess to clean up. Yeah, suction cups are key.
Some might say that sunny days will make the park as hot as a car’s interior in the summer. In that case, the Red Sox can buy thousands of windshield visors to deflect the light. Fans can hold up the visors all at once during the seventh inning stretch to deflect the sun and cool down the park. Should work like a charm!
There’s just one big problem with the Fenway Park dome idea. The curve of the dome could turn the park into one big magnifying glass. Depending on the angle of the sun, UV rays could start a small fire inside the park. Smoke would fill the dome’s interior and…you know what? A dome over Fenway Park is a really terrible idea. So for those who don’t understand satire, if the vein in your forehead is about to burst from anger, then just keep in mind that it’s just a joke.
In the mean time, be sure to bring your umbrellas and ponchos to Fenway because rain and wind are in the forecast for the next few weeks.