God fearing people of Boston! Break out the pitch forks! Light your torches! Ban together! We have witches among us! In a clear display of their magical powers of witchcraft, Andrew Benintendi and JBJ defied logic, gravity, and probability Thursday night through their astonishing defensive plays. With Andrew Benintendi, and Jackie Bradley Jr, aka, JBJ suspected of witchcraft, the Boston Red Sox’s adversaries should take heed and pray for deliverance from the devilry that is the Red Sox defensive outfield.
In the first inning JBJ caught Justin Upton’s line drive to deep center that would surely have been at least a double. That’s when JBJ used his powers of witchcraft to transform the ball into a magnetic force that forcefully gravitated into his glove as he used the magic of flight to reach it.
In a dramatic display of acrobatics that only a witch could summon, Benintendi caught a 89.9 mph flyball in the eighth inning off the Angels’ David Fletcher. Normally such a catch wouldn’t summon any extra attention. However, Benintendi used his ability as a witch to fly and he caught the ball. Puritans sitting in Grandstand Section 32 (the alcohol-free zone) immediately suspected witchcraft. When pressed for clarification, the Puritans fled Fenway Park crying out for forgiveness for committing the sin of having fun. They fled back to Old Salem on horseback and reported their suspicions to Chief Magistrate William Stoughton, who once presided over the Salem Witch Trials of 1692.
Benintendi, JBJ Suspected of Witchcraft, May Stand Trial Before Salem Court
“Thy abundant displays of witchcraft clearly demonstrate the return of witchcraft to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,” stated Chief Magistrate Stoughton. “It be witchcraft that afford them the power to make such catches.”
Chief Magistrate Stoughton added that a special tribunal would be called in Salem Village before the week end. Despite Benintendi and JBJ suspected of witchcraft, neither could be reached for comment.
Adversaries Should Take Heed, Witchcraft Is No Laughing Matter
There’s two ways for the Red Sox’s opponents to stave off Benintendi and JBJ ‘s spells. The first is to take a lock of Babe Ruth’s hair. Then tie it to Mookie Wilson’s bat. Finally, gripping the bat with Bob Gibson’s glove, slowly but firmly approach the two with the bat as they warm up before the game. If both cowl in fear the way a vampire does upon seeing a crucifix then you’ll know it’s working. The power of such a cacophony is the only thing that will break their spells. The safer and more sure way approach is for opposing players to just sit out the game.
The Boston Red Sox are taking on the New York Yankees this weekend. There they are battling a monstrous giant by the name of Aaron Judge. Will Judge’s giant statue be a match for Benintendi’s magic? Time will tell.
Meanwhile, Yankee fans living in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts will be wise to arm themselves with garlic, horseshoes, and salt as a means of protecting themselves. If the Red Sox lose the series this weekend Benintendi and JBJ will fly around the Commonwealth on their Louisville Sluggers looking to feast on their souls!